Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
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Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
how to exercise your calf muscles
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much