Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
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Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory