@_salt_n_lime

I left two Doritos on my plate at lunch today so it’s safe to say I’m taking this new diet very seriously.

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@jdforshort

If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?

@Angibangie

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

@bmarked21

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

@_elvishpresley_

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

@hunz74

I just Googled “cool new rare diseases.”

@TheBoydP

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

@SortaBad

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*