If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?
I left two Doritos on my plate at lunch today so it’s safe to say I’m taking this new diet very seriously.
You Might Also Like
GOD: How many animals left to make?
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I just Googled “cool new rare diseases.”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”