I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
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cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.