@Adar79Angie

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

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@WICKEDTRUTH01

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

@4SLars

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

@TheHyyyype

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

@six_2_and_even

If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her

@LionJenkins

Autocorrect just changed “Selfies” to “Selfless” so I just took a picture without me in it.

@GuyBreakup

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

@awescar

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”