I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!


No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.


[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no


If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her


Autocorrect just changed “Selfies” to “Selfless” so I just took a picture without me in it.


Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.


I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.


It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”