@WICKEDTRUTH01
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
@Adar79Angie
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
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@WICKEDTRUTH01
@4SLars
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
@laura_hudson
My favorite horror movie
@TheHyyyype
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
@six_2_and_even
If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her
@LionJenkins
Autocorrect just changed “Selfies” to “Selfless” so I just took a picture without me in it.
@GuyBreakup
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
@Spaced_Cowboy00
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
@DoggoDating
@awescar
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”