I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
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Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
British websites use biscuits.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.