I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
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How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
You got this…
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”