@iinkedZombie

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

- @iinkedZombie

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@bourgeoisalien

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

@jazz_inmypants

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL

@3sunzzz

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

@Elifcello

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

@RuinMyWeek

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

@causticbob

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

@delusions_of

What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”

@ComedicBust

[in a burning building]

Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down

Me: WHERE DID YOU COME F..

JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]

@sfreeze6

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

@HughGoesThere

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.