I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
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Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
the pigeons are already plenty salty
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.