I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
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Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said