I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
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I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I’m about to risk it all
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny