I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
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I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced