@TheBoydP

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

You Might Also Like

@PleaseBeGneiss

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

@mostlysharks

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

@NamestartswithZ

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

@MarfSalvador

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

@KeetPotato

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

@SondraDeeMe

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

@Darlainky

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

@SugarMagicSpice

God: Welcome to Heaven. You’ll be getting your wings soon.
Me: Spicy or honey bbq?
God: Get out.

@copymama

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

@RodLacroix

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.