@Chumpstring

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

You Might Also Like

@MEQ_777

Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it?

Asking for a friend

@Elizasoul80

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

@knot_eye

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

@neonsinatra

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

@WhatevaConc

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

@Kevaclysm

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

@emilyyoshida

People who did a better job than Daenerys tonight:
-Sansa
-Melisandre
-The Night King
-Sleepytime nap boy “I’m ‘warging’“ Bran
-The wind
-The White Walker who ran after the book that Arya threw in the library

@XplodingUnicorn

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

@UnfilteredMama

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

@fro_vo

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi