I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

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Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it?

Asking for a friend


I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.


I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.


Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.


If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.


New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you


People who did a better job than Daenerys tonight:
-The Night King
-Sleepytime nap boy “I’m ‘warging’“ Bran
-The wind
-The White Walker who ran after the book that Arya threw in the library


I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.


I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.


MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi