I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
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“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
😅🤣😂
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
😬
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”