@ThatBrenna

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

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@CherBear162

If vid games answered back in real time they’d move lots more units

I DIED? BULLSHIT!

“Maybe if you didn’t suck..”

*slams x-box on floor*

@molly7anne

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

@dave_cactus

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

@Marlebean

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

@leshnevsky

– Judy, you have such a great taste!
– Steve, stop biting me!

@lukasbattle

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

@OllyiConic

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives