I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

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If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.


me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling


Fitness level: Just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for my beer.



TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats.

TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?


*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*



WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.


Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.


[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”


[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*