I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
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I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
*launders Kohls cash*