I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
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Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Merry Christmas
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator