@daddydoubts: Me: how was school? Son: I cried today. Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries. Son: and I peed on my teacher. Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time. Wife: stop.

@just1fool: Never pay attention to how often you're blinking. Sorry.

@AmericanGent69: Friend: I'm so sore from the class I took at the gym Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

@PimpleEye: You know what I love about people who buy followers? I can laugh at their expense.

@philandher96: "It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash." ~my 11yo on why she's not afraid to fly unaccompanied