I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.


Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.


Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?


I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.


Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.


[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”


The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”


Helpful tip: If you throw a baby at a tiger, I only recommend throwing a baby that you don’t like.


First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.


I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.