@GensPlace

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

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@robdelaney

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

@TheAlexP

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

@thetigersez

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

@CheryeDavis

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

@theNuzzy

What do we want?
HEARING AIDS!
When do we want them?
WHAT?!

@gabbybendel

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind