I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
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passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back: