It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
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Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Helpful tip: If you throw a baby at a tiger, I only recommend throwing a baby that you don’t like.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.