I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Pot warmers of the day.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.