I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.


Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.




[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
ME: Green Lobster!


Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”


OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person


One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”


Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long


A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five


My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.