@AndyAsAdjective

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

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@DadandBuried

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

@bonniemcfarlane

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

@

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@dave_cactus

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

@WilliamAder

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

@Karate_Horse

OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person

@zoeklar

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

@JeffMyspace

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

@JustMeTurtle

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

@6stringSpecial

My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.