I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
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I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Simple enough.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?