[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
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My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.