I like a good strong woman. But I prefer them not to be named Olga and bench press me in front of my friends.

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Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.


I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.


The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.


People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.


ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one


I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it


He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter


1) It’s not very hard