[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
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Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!