Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
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*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family