Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
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If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis