I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
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Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I falcon love using swear birds
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Sunday