@nuttywhippet

I like Australian kisses.

They’re just like French kisses but down under.

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@Playing_Dad

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

@dragonsorbet

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

@GregHenchman

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

@ellewasamistake

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

@SteveSuckington

[blind date]

“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”

-did you just read that off your hand?

“Hey! You’re not blind!”

@summerbruise69

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

@pilau

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

@mommajessiec

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.