I like Australian kisses.

They’re just like French kisses but down under.

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[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.


Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes


“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens


hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities


[blind date]

“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”

-did you just read that off your hand?

“Hey! You’re not blind!”


the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”


“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now


Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.