@nuttywhippet

I like Australian kisses.

They’re just like French kisses but down under.

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@brunopieroni

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

@Ygrene

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

@ruinedpicnic

“Sorry but It’s me or the label maker.”
[takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt]
“Thank y-”
[sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]

@AbbyHasIssues

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

@causticbob

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

@fignhoney

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

@daddydoubts

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

@IamEnidColeslaw

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s live in a homeless man’s beard.