How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I like Australian kisses.
They’re just like French kisses but down under.
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[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
“Sorry but It’s me or the label maker.”
[takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt]
[sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I have the body of a 30yr old
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s live in a homeless man’s beard.