If a douchebag bungee jumps is it called a Bro-Yo?
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
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Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me – Doctor, I have depression.
Doctor – Are you on anything for it?
Me – Twitter.
The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.
Sign at funeral home: ALL SALES FINAL
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?