Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
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So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
The only time I hate being single is when I knock something over & catch it before it hits the ground but there’s no one around to see it.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.