@AndrewChamings

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

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@HomeProbably

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

@dyldonot

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

@punished_picnic

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

@FU_TangClan

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

@TheBoydP

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

@TheFemKilljoy

The only time I hate being single is when I knock something over & catch it before it hits the ground but there’s no one around to see it.

@jimmytorosian

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.