I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her