I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
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“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”