@jimmytorosian

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

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@TheAlexNevil

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

@FrogAvalanche

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

@InternetHippo

narrator: sparta was a martial society where boys started military training as early as age 7
me (through a mouthful of pasta): HELL YEAH THATS (out of breath now) how things ought to be

@TheAlexNevil

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

@MoneypennyNaked

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

@Ilovelamp1979

This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.

@linkindrinkin

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

@JB4Realz

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

@ravenswng_

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

@eye_spyder

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.