I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early


Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.


narrator: sparta was a martial society where boys started military training as early as age 7
me (through a mouthful of pasta): HELL YEAH THATS (out of breath now) how things ought to be


Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope


Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.


This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.


professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale


surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*


It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.


You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.