I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Are you ok, human???
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.