Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?
Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
BF: Will you marry me?
GF: Do we have to live together?
WIFE: He won’t stop pretending he’s Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We’ll hear more of Karen’s lies. Up next.
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Excuse me girlfriend for I have burped. It has been 3 weeks since my last apology
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick