I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
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Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
ok like just. call me at this point