I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
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I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Y’all ready for this
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
pelicons
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road