Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party