I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
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me doing my best
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical