i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
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I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*