I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
May never get over this
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons