I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
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It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Investing in beetcoin
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
There’s no “u” in narcissist
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for