I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

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Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?


Just found out my daughter’s super power is repeating what I’ve said about others as soon as she meets them.


So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.


CNN reporting that CNN will be reporting something on CNN.
Tune in to CNN for all of the up-to-the-minute stuff CNN is reporting.


MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.


Me: You can just keep that pen.

Coworker: Sure?

Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.


Me: I told everyone.


[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!


Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope


I was watching tv with my mom & she was amazed a blind guy didn’t care his son was missing & I was like outta sight outta mind am I right