@Quartzjixler

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

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@simoncholland

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

@ChicorelliStar

Just found out my daughter’s super power is repeating what I’ve said about others as soon as she meets them.

@Travon

So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.

@andylassner

CNN reporting that CNN will be reporting something on CNN.
Tune in to CNN for all of the up-to-the-minute stuff CNN is reporting.

@sofarrsogud

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: You can just keep that pen.

Coworker: Sure?

Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.

Cw..

Me: I told everyone.

@ArfMeasures

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

@audipenny

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

@zachreinert03

I was watching tv with my mom & she was amazed a blind guy didn’t care his son was missing & I was like outta sight outta mind am I right