I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
You Might Also Like
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
