I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
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*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*