I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
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Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.