I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
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My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.