I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.

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Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.


Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.


[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*


Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!




Me: Shit.


I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.


Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.


Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.


Yeah, sure, I use made-up words sometimes. Does that make you

[Lowers shades]



“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.


We’re adults. It’s bad enough we selfie. Don’t make it worse with the surprise face selfie