@Mikecanrant

I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.

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@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

@squirrel74wkgn

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

@ThugRaccoons

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

@Shower4Thought

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

@Parkerlawyer

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

@myonlymizztake

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

@redthe1

Yeah, sure, I use made-up words sometimes. Does that make you

[Lowers shades]

Discomfortable?

@KendellMadden

“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.

@NotThatKristi

We’re adults. It’s bad enough we selfie. Don’t make it worse with the surprise face selfie