Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
You Might Also Like
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.