@taylortomlinson

I like horror movies because it’s the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly

You Might Also Like

@MelodiMoon

The Frito Lay truck I’m tailing says ‘Driver doesn’t carry cash.’ Hahahaha. I’m not interested in cash.

@stevevsninjas

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

@lanyardigan

Now imagine how close together the presidents’ bodies are, under their Mount Rushmore heads.

@RobbieGramer

Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens

@Smiilze

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

@Staggfilms

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

@thetobbie

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

@garrettbarry70

Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.

@ojedge

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”