“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I like horror movies because it’s the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly
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Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3
*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Harry Potter Hair Evolution
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
me linking you to my twitter
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.