I like horror movies because it’s the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly

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2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.


I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..


I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again


*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.


I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t


In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.


A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.


Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!


A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!