greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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Woke up against my better judgement again
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)