@taylortomlinson

I like horror movies because it’s the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly

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@dshack8

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

@TheRolo

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

@BrandonVine

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

@Mike_Bianchi

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

@MelKassel

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

@junejuly12

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

@TheBoydP

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

@patnspankme

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.