I like horror movies because it’s the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly

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The Frito Lay truck I’m tailing says ‘Driver doesn’t carry cash.’ Hahahaha. I’m not interested in cash.


Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.


Now imagine how close together the presidents’ bodies are, under their Mount Rushmore heads.


Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens


“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?


[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.


The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…


Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.


WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”