Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
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Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.