me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I like Horror Movies for the first 20 minutes when everyone is just hanging out and having a good time.
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?