@Jamdug

I like Horror Movies for the first 20 minutes when everyone is just hanging out and having a good time.

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@PatsATweetin

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

@Gupton68

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

@ShaeAaron

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

@Eightinchgoat

I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.

@HumanPog

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

@mom_tho

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

@a_man_named_JED

School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free

@QwertyJones3

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?