@ShittyComedian

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

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@pseudo_fred

I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.

@curlymalloy

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

@Darlainky

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

@NewDadNotes

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

@chrisviccaro

You’d think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.

@rinbcage

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

@SortaBad

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

@bourgeoisalien

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

@AmericanGent69

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling