I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Personal question. #JustSaying
Good morning
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it