I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
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Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Selfie
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call