I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
You Might Also Like
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES