i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
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Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Krampus.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
These are my emotional support Pringles.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.