@direlog

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

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@Eves1

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

@InternetHippo

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

@TheBoydP

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

@limitlessjest

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

@carlyken

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

@internetmo

No, actually I’d love to hear about last night’s episode of that show I just told you I don’t watch

@pleatedjeans

[spider confronting me]
him: yo did you steal my coat?
me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine

@omgthatspunny

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.