i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Pat is about to own someone
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg