I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
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Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
me
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.