I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
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[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
You better watch out
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Called it
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
me hitting on a model