I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

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When her friend visits, my 2yr old just wants to hug her a lot… & keep her away from the toys. I feel that way about my friends & my vodka


*Dive rolls across the room naked

Her- Why don’t you just buy curtains?


My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.


Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken


If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.


‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”


My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?