“i like your name” thanks, i had no choice
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
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When her friend visits, my 2yr old just wants to hug her a lot… & keep her away from the toys. I feel that way about my friends & my vodka
*Dive rolls across the room naked
Her- Why don’t you just buy curtains?
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?